Funny Jokes

by Sid
(Pune)

1.) FUNNY SIGNS:



Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a London Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an London office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a London secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in London health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


2.) People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world:

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.


In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.




3.) Not So Smart People In The World:


a) Mr. 'Not-So-Smart' walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."


b) Three men were applying for the same job as a DETECTIVE.

One was a Sardarji,one was Jewish, and one was Italian.

The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?". The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him."The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?"

The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

c) Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Not-So-Smart searching high and low, all over the living room. She asked him : "What are you so frantically searching?"

Not-So-Smart : "Hidden cameras!"

Jasmeet : "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"

Not-So-Smart : "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying 'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can he know what I am watching?"

d) Not-So-Smart queuing behind his friend at an ATM Machine.

Friend: What are you looking at?

Not-So-Smart: I know your PIN Number., hee, hee.

Friend: All right, what is my PIN #, if you saw it?

Not-So-Smart: Four asterisks!


e) Not-So-Smart'S MOTHER DIED.

Not-So-Smart: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead.

Friend: Condolences, my friend.

After 2 minutes Banta Singh cries even louder Friend: what now?

Not-So-Smart: my sister just called, her mother died too!


f) Not-So-Smart NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.

Not-So-Smart: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Not-So-Smart: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!



g) Not-So-Smart STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR.

Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.

Not-So-Smart: That's all right, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.


4.) Very Smart People:

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.







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